Mercedes Benz caught spying on customers | Auto Expert John Cadogan

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News just in: Mercedes-Benz arseholes in Elizabeth Reginastan have been spying on select customers by installing covert GPS tracking devices on their Stuttgart shitboxes.

The three-point shuriken will not say how long it has been spying on owners in this way. Instead, they claim, the tracking devices are activated only in (quote) “extreme circumstances” - a kind of Big Brother-esque code for calling in the repo men when customers default on the payments.

Tracking a vehicle without the owner’s consent is illegal in Brexitpotamia - and across the rest of the EU - but cunning Mercedes shitheads weasel their way around this by including consent clause deep in the finance contract’s fine print.

A Mercedes-Benz cockhead said:

“When a customer chooses to finance the purchase of their car this way they sign a contract and agree to the location sensors in the car being activated in the event that they default or breach their agreement. This clause in the finance contract is in bold print, just above the customer’s signature. Locating the car is part of the repossession process and is not permanently tracking customers.”

The three-point swastika dominates the Brexitstani luxury car leasing market, with as many as 80 per cent of new Stuttgart shitheaps sold on finance plans - and therefore fitted with the covert tracking devices.

No details yet on how often the tracking devices are activated to call in the bailiffs and effect a Level Two repossession - but when the Sun newspaper in the Old Dart contacted BMW, Jaguar Land Rover and the morally ambiguous Volkswagen Group, all responded that they did not have their hands up their owners’ skirts in this indelicate way.

The creeping growth of surveillance and the protection of your privacy - the death of a thousand cuts there, clearly. Ultimately, however, it seems we should all brace for impact on that front.

A few issues on this absurd Mercedes ostrich egg on face surveillance gate. Do you actually have a right to privacy in this way? I don’t know - there’s generally no right to privacy in public here in Shitsville. Are you happy for a carmaker to know precisely where you are, every minute of every day? Just because you took the finance…

Is anonymity in public even a thing any more? I mean, every time I go out, statistically, I get recognised. I don’t mind. Most importantly, I guess: Is burying a consent clause in a War & Peace finance agreement the same thing as full and frank disclosure that you just let Big Brother Benz into your life in this way? And how could the system be abused, or manipulated?

Most hilariously of all, it seems, think about the kinds of dudes and dudettes buying the most expensive Mercedes shitheaps - S-Class AMGs and AMG GTs, etc. Because they tend to fall into two camps.

First camp: The bank CEO shithead - or similar - trafficking legitimately in keeping the poor huddled masses downtrodden, and secondly: the drug kingpin, human sex slave trafficker and illigitimate arms dealer - the holy trinity of criminal CEOs.

Regarding this second camp of absurdly successful criminals: How thrilled to you think they would be that pinpointing them 24/7 is just a flick of the switch away at Mercedes headquarters?

Finally, all I can say is that there must be a shit-tonne of Merc owners defaulting on the payments in Brexitstan. Because the one piece of hard data to be gleaned from this story is that if repayment defaults were statistical anomalies, it simply would not be cost-effective for three-point Swastika Brexitstan to do this.

Cadogan